'My sister always chooses places where it's cheapest for her to fly'

"I am totally financially independent and have been for years." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Dollar Signs,

The holidays are coming up and my family always chooses to spend it at a different destination. We all live scattered about the country so we try to go somewhere none of us have been each year.

My sister always chooses places where it's cheapest for her to fly. If I say anything about it being expensive for me to fly from where I'm living, it's implied that I am bad with money.

I am totally financially independent and have been for years. How can I push back against this narrative without spending $800 to see my family every holiday season?

Holiday Traveler

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Dear Traveler,

You are right to be frustrated. It sounds like your family has an especially hurtful way of invalidating your very reasonable request to not spend a fortune on travel.

Don't make their perceptions your problem, and try not to judge them too harshly. You know the truth about your financial situation. Snide or accusatory comments don't need to color your mood.

Have a conversation about flights as soon as possible. Traveling around the holidays is always expensive, but this year experts are advising Americans to book their Thanksgiving and Christmas travel now.

In September, airfare prices were nearly 36% higher than the start of the year - $394 versus $290, according to the latest data from Kayak - and they are only expected to climb as the travel season kicks off. The day of the week you fly can also affect how much you pay.

Concerns about costs

Jet-fuel prices are the highest they've been since the start of the U.S.-Iran war, leading airlines to eliminate some flight routes from their schedules to cut costs. American Airlines (AAL), for example, temporarily suspended six flight routes this past summer.

One work-around that could save you some money - if your family were OK with you arriving just in time for lunch, assuming there are no delays - would be to fly on the holidays themselves. Flying on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day tends to be cheaper than flying on the days surrounding the holidays.

Holiday flights can be among the biggest travel expenses of the year. NerdWallet analyzed three years of daily TSA checkpoint data. Because airfare is highly sensitive to demand, the busiest travel days generally coincide with the highest prices, while less-crowded days can mean savings - or even a more appealing nonstop flight.

Communicating with your family

"When people are determined to see something in a particular way, there is only so much you can do to disabuse them of that," says Matt Lundquist, founder and clinical director at Tribeca Therapy. Lundquist specializes in families.

I wonder if you've ever tried giving your family a budget for how much you'd like to spend on travel. If you aren't communicating your preferences early and often, they might not know that this is a financial stress for you. It might just sound like you're complaining after all the plans have been made (which could be annoying).

To avoid this, I'd initiate a short conversation about logistics. You can say something like: "This year, I'd love to keep flights under $500 round trip. Here are a few destinations that are in that price range. Let me know if any of these work."

Don't address any comments about your financial prowess. Like I said, there isn't really much you can do about that, and it isn't your problem if they want to think untrue things about you.

I'm not saying the talk will be easy or comfortable. Families often tease out our petulance. "The hard part is to avoid the temptation of a beleaguered explanation," Lundquist says.

Wanting your family to think you're good with money "is in a category of trying to control something you can't control," he says. "If people have that inclination, they are going to have it no matter what you do about it."

Do some research, initiate a talk about how much you want to spend and where you want to go, and hope they respect your wishes. It'll bring you a bit of peace just knowing that you tried to maturely address the situation.

If you do feel like this will be another $800 trip, it's best to know sooner rather than later so you can trim spending elsewhere in your life and budget accordingly.